I was chit-chatting with one of my friends back home when the topic of marriage came up and I decided I’d do a blog about it. I might not be married, but I do know what I want out of marriage — happiness and longevity among other things.
Marriage is serious business to me. And if there’s one thing that everyone should know about me, it is that I am very much against divorce, especially when it can be helped. If ever I do get married my partner should know that he’s stuck with me forever, with no possibility of parole.
It’s funny how passionate I am about marriage because my parents never got married and that’s usually where people get their ideas of what a marriage should be. My grandparents were married but half of that equation had already been erased by the time I was born so I have no idea what their marriages were like. I just know that it’s not something to enter into lightly, and it’s something that should be cherished.
I don’t get people who get married and the next week they’re seeking an annulment. Neither do I get people who jump blindly into something so life-changing without knowing the person they’re tying their bodies and souls to. Because to me that’s what marriage is, the melding of two separate pieces into one whole. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d never get married to a guy I met three months ago, much less a week, must be smoking some of that seasoned crack. People speak of love at first sight, and that’s fine; love might be the glue that binds, but how the hell are you going to bind nothingness? Because that’s all that’s there, you don’t really know anything about this person you claim to love. And it would be nice if we could all survive on feelings, but let’s be real the bills do have to be paid, you need to be mentally and physically stimulated, there just has to be substance. I’ve never been able to light a fire and sustain it without some oxygen. If your marriage has been built on nothing then y’all will be suffocating before you know it. *Cue “No Air” – Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, please. I’m not saying that you’re going to know everything about somebody, that does take literally forever. But if I ask you what that person’s favorite color is you should be able to tell me the when, why and how of that, even if I truly never asked and don’t want to know.
Oh and lazy people, don’t even bother getting married because marriage takes work and you never ever stop working at it. It shouldn’t be the kind of work where you hate your boss and you want to slip Dulcolax into his coffee. It should be like that career you’ve always wanted, and you don’t mind going to meetings, or getting up early in the morning to beat that horrible rush hour traffic, and you’re not in it for the money but because you truly love it. If you sucked at maintaining a relationship, you’re probably going to suck at being married. If you prefer to sit on the sidelines rather than get into the game, please don’t bother trying out for the team. Go sit in the bleachers or something.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a marriage nazi. Just like spandex isn’t for everybody, marriage is probably the same. If you feel like you’re relationship is doing fine the way it is, kudos to you. I’ve heard that people change after they jump the broom. Why that is I have no idea. Maybe people get too comfortable, they feel like it’s okay to do things they never thought of doing before because “I have your ass now.” It shouldn’t be like that, but it is what it is. Some people are just ignorant like that.
If we had hot, slutty sex before we got married, I expect to have hot, slutty sex after we say “I Do.” Yes, there will be less time if kids are involved, but you should try to make time. I don’t want a boring marriage and I wouldn’t subject my partner to one. I know there will be people reading this who think I’m crazy and I’m living on some sort of parallel universe. Maybe. But I’m steadfast in the belief that marriage should be an amazing roadtrip with your best friend, with all the crazy pit stops, new discoveries, one or two food poisonings from eating something we never should have anyway. But it’s fun throwing up on the just waxed leather interior because we’re doing it together!
So maybe I expect a lot from marriage but I think like everything else you get what you put in, and I intend to give my all. In so saying I end with this lovely quote from one of my favorite childhood authors, Mark Twain — “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.”
Isn’t that the truth!
*Oh, and I didn’t mention cheating because I think it goes without saying – pushing daisies. Ha ha just kidding, sorta.
Posted by jaysonstark on June 10, 2009 at 5:14 am
You’re not crazy…you have the right to want all those things and more. It just depends on how “ready” you are to accept that all those things may not happen. Marriage is work…a ton of work, and not saying you’re not ready to roll your sleeves up but, in time some people “get tired”. Perhaps they think the grass is greener on the other side? I don’t know…what I do know is no matter what, you gotta be ready to have some reciprocity. Marriage is a give and take not a give and receive relationship. If you’re not the one to take what you want and need…be ready to be let down more than you may want. At the end of the day…it’s all about communication. You have to be honest wtih yourself first and your partner second. Be open and accepting at ALL times…especially when it’s difficult to do so. By the time you look back…you’d lived the life you’ve always wanted with the person that makes you happy.
Posted by Rashida on June 11, 2009 at 12:03 am
Honey, what can I say? I am a big cynic when it comes to marriage. My whole family has been totally “salt” when it comes to this controversial matter. My grandma’s own had longevity, but it certainly wasn’t without problems, but in those days the ol’ folks stuck it out through thick and thin – a quality to be admired that is highly lacking now, but yet, a quality that can be questionable at the least in some instances, such as abuse, etc.
I think divorces have their role in society, but as usual the human race abuses a perfectly good procedure and as expected it comes right back down to their own selfish and narcisstic gains, just like religion, money, and politics (but more on that in a future convo).
So, with all that said, are you unreasonable in your demands? Hell no, I say! We as a people need to get back some of those old school ways and good ol’ values that were taught to us by our parents and grand parents. We need to get back a sense of responsibility, morals, unselfishness, and an overall positive sense of well being, and it doesn’t only apply to marriage or personal relationships on a whole, but additionally to everything in our life. We have lost that sense of connectedness and unity. We have become selfish and individualistic in so many ways. It is the biggest cause of most of our problems now (marriage included for sure!).
I, as a fellow sista, say I will never get married (yes I am psychic lol). And not because I don’t believe in it, but because my standards are just as high as yours, and call me a cynic, but I don’t see anybody who meet my high criteria, and I just don’t think they make ‘em that way anymore. Men and women alike are just not molded with the same values as they used to be 10 years ago much less 30-50 years ago.
So with that said, my charge to you upon deciding to jump the broom is to:
- Be 100% sure (not even 99.9%) that he is the right man for you and that you are making the right decision. And I am not talking about your usual jitter bugs or nerves, but rather, your gut feeling and instinct should never be triggered in any manner that could be interpreted as “off” or “odd” even.
- Know that neither he nor yourself are perfect, but certain basics should definitely be there:- respect, communication, communication, communication, communication, sincerity, loyalty, etc.
- Compatibility has to be there. This doesn’t mean you and him should be exactly the same in your personalities or likes and dislikes, but your differences should complement one another.
- Make sure you live with him for at least 3-6 months getting near to that level of commitment (marriage of course). Not everybody, but often enough, most, are bound to show their true colours sooner or later in a living situation. They may not turn out to be evil, but everybody has their quirks and flaws, make sure such are those you can learn to adapt to in his case. As we Jamaicans love to say “Come see me and come live with me are two different things”.
- Meet his family and friends! A family member of mine who got married not very long ago is having huge problems now and the in-laws are one of the primary causes. Trust me, they usually form a big part of the pieces that connects your marriage together in a neat tidy puzzle. The less untidyness (sp?), the better.
- What do you consider to be a compromise or sacrifice? How much are you willing to compromise on and sacrifice? Ask yourself those questions then do the same with your partner. Then make sure that both of you come to a consensus that you are both willing to put 50-50 at stake for the happiness of the other. It must be equal on both sides, no matter what people say about love not costing a thing, if there is no equilibrium and it’s not costing you now, then it will definitely start to cost you later – probably emotionally, socially, sexually, and/or even financially, etc. So decide from now what is important to you while considering what’s important to him, and make this clear from jump.
- Make sure you share common principles when it comes to finances. This is one of the top factors that screams divorce at the given time. I would personally say make sure that you have a personal account outside of the merged one that you keep confidential. I don’t think anything is wrong with this concept. It’s not about being sneaky or calculating. Anything can go wrong. You want to have a back up always. Consider it as your long term “get vex money”.
I think I have yakked on long enough lol. However, once you decide to get married I wish you all the best!